Yes, My Wife Has Seen Me Cry

Whether or not men are allowed to show emotion is a common topic of debate between the bearded giga-Chad-king manosphere and the egalitarian soyboys and boss babes. As is usually the case, the temptation is to decamp to one side or the other instead of recognizing that wisdom transcends the dankness of memes.

I recently saw a post from a Christian egalitarian/feminist page discussing a father who told his son never to cry in front of girls. The feminist angle, predictably, was that this kind of emotional suppression is terrible for men, they should be able to express themselves, etc.

And this is true.

There is a stereotypical caricature – and not without some warrant – of the conservative dad who heartlessly demands stoicism from his eight-year-old little boy. The “real men don’t cry“ trope became a trope for a reason. And yet, it could not be more obvious from Scripture that real men do indeed cry. Scripture is full of extremely masculine men who have no problem showing emotion – try reading the Psalms and finding Stoicism in there. Jesus Himself wept over the death of His dear friend Lazarus.

On the other hand, Scripture is equally clear that men are supposed to have a strength of will, a compartmentalization, a courage, a grit, a toughness that is distinctly masculine. This is why warriors who flee in battle are described as “becoming like women.“ (Jer. 51:30)

This is not an insult to women; it is an acknowledgment of design differences. The emotional nature of women, in women, is a feature, not a bug- but in men, it is a problem. This is why it is good for fathers to expect toughness from their sons. This is why it is good for dad to be the rock of the family. This is why it is normal for the wife to need to cry it out on her husband‘s shoulder. And this is yet another area where the wisdom of God in appointing the man as the authority figure is made manifest.

Once again, two things can be true at once. It is good to be compassionate and kind to our sons, and to patiently help them process their struggles and challenges. Fathers are supposed to pity their children (Ps. 103:13). It is good for men to be able to discuss their internal struggles and emotions, both with male friends and with their wives.

My wife has comforted me in times of sorrow and difficulty. She appreciates hearing my heart and my struggles. Part of her job as a helper suitable to me is to hold up my arms when they are getting weary, and there have been a number of times that I have felt overwhelmed or depressed or worried, and she has pulled my head onto her lap and stroked my hair and reminded me that it was all going to be OK. We have even had a few fights that were bad enough that I ended up in tears. And don’t get me started on animated movies. Those are the worst.

At the same time, 90% of the crying in my marriage has been done by my wife. And that’s a conservative estimate. She recently told me that she can’t really even picture me being afraid of something. She’s happy about that, and so am I. And it is simply an obvious fact that my hormonal balance is exponentially more stable than my wife’s is. Frankly, at a fundamental level, the largest person in the house had better be good at keeping a lid on their emotions. So it is good for dads to tell their sons to rub some dirt on it. It is good for men to snarl when they stub their toe instead of whimpering. It is good for men to value- and expect- the kind of toughness that cracks jokes when the bullets are flying- and you don’t teach that kind of grit to your sons by coddling them every time they scrape their knee or get teased at the park.

These things can both be true at once. Build your life on Scripture and Godly counsel from people that know you… don’t try to live up to the expectations of a bunch of tribal cool kids on the internet.